Not easy, but simple.
In fact, it’s one of the hardest things we have to learn, inundated as we are by so many perfect media images, cultural expectations and childhood beliefs that oppose it.
In my opinion the secret to happiness is knowing in your bones, your heart and your head that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.”
Yes You! The one who keeps trying to improve herself, thinking ‘If only I learnt how to do this, believe this, lose this weight, earn more money, then I’ll be OK. Then I’ll be happy. Then I’ll be worthy. Then people will approve of me. Then everything will be ok. Then I can be me.’
I know, because I’ve been there.
Please, for the love of God, let all that go! It’s not true.
None of that ‘stuff’ or achievement will make any long term difference to your happiness because the voice in your head that is telling you you are not good enough now, will still be there telling you you aren’t good enough when you’ve published your book, found your dream partner, been promoted or made a million pounds.
That voice is trying to keep you safe. It’s not evil, but it is manipulative, cunning, sneaky and bloody determined to keep you small. Every day you go about your day with good, kind, worthy intentions but get bombarded with feedback that paints a picture of a You that is disappointing and not meeting the perfectionist expectations of Western culture. You know it’s not the real you, because you have so many hopes and dreams. You know you are a good person, but the constant chatter telling you that you slipped up again, that you are not as thin and fit as X, and not successful as Y, and have children who behave far worse than about every other family you know, gets into your skin and bones. It begins to feel real, even when you know it isn’t. Unfortunately feeling – because it is embedded with strong emotions – has a stronger effect on us than cognitive reason and intellectual knowing.
I can’t remember the number of times over the last few years I’ve said to people – friends, therapists, coaches – “I know it rationally but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel it in my bones. My body doesn’t know it.”
It’s simple but not easy.
For example, I know that I am the best mum that my children could ever have. No one else could do the job because they need ME. I know that intellectually, rationally, even in my soul, but emotionally, until very recently, I kept getting pulled back to all those times the voice in my head (and perhaps other external voices) told me I wasn’t a good enough mum, and I believed that because the emotions make it more real. It’s like I have had many emotional reference experiences of feeling like a bad mother, but not so many of emotionally celebrating and acknowledging being a fabulous, loving, perfect-for-my-children mum. And also, our brains are programmed to put more emphasis on storing negative emotional experiences as memories than on storing positive emotional memories. It’s a survival mechanism which isn’t always helpful in our modern world.
This is how our brains work. They are programmed to sense danger, to notice things that are wrong (it’s called the negativity bias in psychology) so we mustn’t get annoyed with it. We just need to be aware of it, and accept that it is normal. Then when it happens we can laugh and say: “Whoops, I’m getting all caught up in that one mistake because of the negativity bias. I’m forgetting all the good stuff that happened today, let’s focus on that instead.”
So how do we get to feel in our bones that there is nothing wrong with us? How do we know emotionally that we are good enough already? As I said, this isn’t an easy or prescriptive thing.
It’s taken me 5 years of mindfulness, therapy, coaching and courageous opening up to myself to get to the point where I could finally let go of what my inner critic was telling me would prove I was ok. I got to the point where I had learnt so many things which had helped me in lots of ways, but still my unconscious was in charge of the feelings in my bones! What finally worked for me was to let go of all the things I was clinging onto. I’d been desperately clinging onto the idea that having a successful coaching business would prove to me and the whole world that I was worthy and deserved a place on this earth. I had been playing rather unsuccessfully at running a business (or a few different businesses) over the previous 12 years, but always coming from this place of fear and needing to prove myself. My business and ideas were good, but my motivation was so contaminated by my fear of letting myself be truly seen that it was always bound to fail. So I had to give up my stop/start business completely and accept myself without it before I was able to let go of that damaging fear-based belief once and for all.
I can honestly say, it was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I felt completely naked. Just me. Just me as a mum and a wife. Just a mum. Just a wife. Shit! I’d been trying to run away from that label my whole life – even before I had children. It scared the fuck out of me. But I did it (let go of needing a business or career to define me) because I knew I had to. And over the course of a couple of months I realised that nothing bad actually happened after I’d told people ‘I’m not working.’ ‘No, I have stopped my business.’ ‘I’m in transition at the moment. I need to take a break before I decide what to do.’ I was basically saying to the world: ‘Look at me. I’m a mum. I’m a wife. I’m a friend. I’m a daughter. I’m me. And I’m ok with that!’ And eventually I was. Finally I was ok with being me. Me with no bells and whistles attached proving my worth. Just me. And it felt – it feels – great. I feel liberated. I feel like my cage has gone. I know there are other smaller cages that my ego still keeps me locked in that I will discover and free myself from as I move through life, but this has been such a shift in my whole being that I am still reaping the rewards.
But to be able to let go of this ego-driven goal and belief I also had to connect to my true inner self, so there would be something to take the place of my ego voice and goals. This connection to my true self has come through walking outside, listening to music, mediation and writing. Lots of writing. And lots of vulnerability and trusting that it will all be OK. I’m still learning to connect with myself – I’m a newbie because perfectionists are bad at being themselves – but I’m loving learning how to. And the rewards of doing so are so huge: a feeling of peace; increased flow and losing myself in what I’m doing; feeling light-hearted – less serious and heavy; and having more clarity around what I really want to do.
Now, over the last 2 years I have started my business again without the fear that if it goes wrong I will be a failure, or not worthy of love and belonging. I feel free to be myself and express myself and try things that I would have been too scared to do beforehand. I can now dare greatly knowing that I am still the same wonderful person whether I succeed or ‘fail’. My flaws or failings don’t define me. They make me me. And owning them makes me braver and ironically more able to succeed in the future. I am building my business from scratch again, but it feels so different to the striving that drove me before – and which wasn’t very successful. I now feel more creative and expansive. I am patient and doing this properly rather than desperately wanting everything to happen now! I know how I want to make my difference and I know I can make it work. I know I can do it my way this time and be successful.
This is a really difficult concept to believe, and I get that. There are times when I still think I’m broken, but then I tune back into my body and soul and I soon remember that I am not.
If you really can’t accept this concept send me an email explaining what you can’t accept about yourself and I’ll email back my thoughts with the first practical steps you could take straight away to start breaking down this belief. Email thea @ theajolly.com
All the best,